As I sit surrounded by the chaos I’ve created in my attempt to pack, I am forced to think on my identity – to commodify myself into what can fit into my father’s old suitcase and simultaneously get me through just over three months. I have always had issues with change and a tendency to become overly attached to everything in my sight-line, so packing can often be difficult, but it’s also old hat for me – a person used to packing up weekly.
These conflicting aspects of my identity – the crotchety old man who thinks all smart tech is a personal affront and the wanderer with their little bindle – are very much at war with this whole study abroad thing. The idea of a whole new country with different money, laws, customs – it’s chilling. But, my god, is it not everything I’ve wanted?
Experiencing the world is always interesting because of this. There’s something fun about being both the pedal-to-the-metal, never heard of a map driver and the mumbling prayers, hands over their eyes passenger. However, if unchecked, this conflict can lead to indecision and isolation. This is my greatest worry for my semester – that I will stand in the way of this experience and miss out.
I expect to meet others who feel similarly, but probably a greater number of people who are more confident and self-assured. Petal-to-the-metal, GPS on, prayer card in pocket driver – one more balanced than I.
Additionally, I’m expecting to meet others with a familial connection to Ireland, such as myself, since it seems impossible to so much as spit without hitting someone of Irish descent. I worry though that this connection to the Emerald Isle will be a double-edged sword. A way to feel comforted by the new, but also an entitlement to the old.
In America, it’s easy to say I’m Irish even with the many generations between myself and the land, but I have a feeling that won’t slide in Ireland itself, surrounded by actual Irish people. It would be fun to experience Ireland alongside others who feel a connection to it, but only so long as no one (myself included) starts getting too territorial.
I hope, from this experience, to meet people who walk the world differently than I do. Unafraid, thoughtful, self-assured. I have spent my life surrounded by people who lived fairly similarly, so I don’t truly know the types of people I may encounter. But I want to know them all, and I’m curious to see how this shared experience with vary between us – what will hit who harder and why.
I don’t have a firm grasp on my own identity or those out there, but I want to know.