I sit, once more, in my room, having been home for nearly two weeks and just now catching a breather from the whirlwind of the holidays. After three months in Ireland, I don’t feel tremendously different – I am still the nervous yet desperate for adventure person I was before. However, I did partially fulfill one of my earlier predictions.
Before my semester, I worried that my nervous baseline would stand in my way from getting out and isolate me. I was, unfortunately, somewhat correct. I was very lucky to be able to experience everything I wanted to in Ireland, but I was alone for most of it.
For the first week of the semester, I was surrounded by other international students, mainly Americans, during our orientation. Even my four roommates were all Americans like me. Many of them, however, were uninterested in befriending Americans they didn’t already know, they wanted to make friends with people from other countries, which I cannot fault them for. I made one friend orientation week, a girl from Kentucky, who lived not even five hours from my hometown. It wasn’t until the final weeks of the semester that I made my next few friends – two Irish grad students who I worked on a project with. Both were very kind to me and understanding of the limited ways they could get in touch with me and my lack of familiarity regarding the university. I hope to keep speaking with them.
I was very lucky and able to go on multiple weekend trips to various places around Ireland, and I saw them all alone. I have spent much time alone, over the years, but never so much as in Ireland. I went into Dublin city alone, went to the Cliffs of Moher, Blarney Castle, the Giants Causeway, the movie theater, dinner, and more alone.
Back in my pre-departure blog, I said I didn’t have a firm grasp on my sense of identity or of those around me. Now, I have met many types of people, gone to pubs with groups of people only to never speak with them again, taken classes surrounded by almost a hundred others and only spoken to one, gotten lunch with teachers who asked me questions like “how old is a highschool senior?”, and I still don’t know exactly who is out there. People are so individual, yet o so terribly familiar. I didn’t meet anyone who lived or acted shockingly different from myself and those I grew up with, but everyone I met left an impression, even in their brevity. I will never forget them, though we may never speak again.
I do, somewhat, have a better sense of myself now. I am not as light or unburdened as I thought. But, I’m more okay with myself then I was in years past. If I had done this semester as my thirteen year-old self, I never would have left my dorm. I couldn’t stand myself back then, thought there was nothing more mortifying then being seen in public alone. I am more at peace with myself now, Ireland didn’t start this process, but I think it helped.
I don’t mean to sound morose or make my time abroad seem depressing, it wasn’t. I had a great semester and did meet many wonderful people, even if there weren’t many lasting connections. Most importantly, I have no regrets. I could have done a better job putting myself out there, could have seen more, but it’s too late for that now and I’m proud of what I accomplished. And, time and money willing, I would love to return to Ireland one day. I miss it dearly already.