Finding my Confidence 

I almost quit music this year because of how unhappy I’ve been feeling about it. In one last attempt to revive my interest, I decided to attend this workshop. The first night of conducting was a disaster. I could sense the frustration and concern emanating from all corners of the room – my mind was fixated on this instead of the music. I knew that I was barely even conducting. Towards the end of the fifteen-minute session, Markand Thakar (Music Director of the Baltimore Chamber Orchestra) said to me: “This is supposed to be fun.” Those words hit me so hard as I struggled to keep the tears down and prayed for my first session to be over.  

The next morning, I was prepared to forgive myself for another difficult session and to keep my chin up. That afternoon changed my life. I swear I almost dropped my salad when Markand looked at me from across the room and proclaimed his advice in front of everyone. I needed confidence, he said. He explained that according to a social psychologist named Amy Cuddy, you can manipulate the body to change the mind. This new approach to confidence was to “fake it ‘til you make it.”  

For years, I’ve been trying to overcome my self-sabotaging insecurities through reasoning with myself. But finally, I learned an additional remedy to my circular thinking… or for once, any overthinking at all. Before the evening session, I went to my hotel room and did some “power poses.” Then I danced to the next session’s piece alone in the room. That night, I stepped up to the podium and said: “Hello, I am the World’s Greatest Conductor.” The players laughed, but the trick worked. I’ve never had so much fun. From now on, I think I will keep faking it.